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Thursday, July 5, 2018

Late Night Train Musings




Been feeling melancholic lately. I look up the Ortigas skyline at night walking back to the office from the gym, and I feel sad. Already missing the places, the people, and the routine I've recently realized I have come to like and appreciate. 

So this is how it feels like when you're doing something not because you want to escape, or because you want to change. I'm not used to it. 

Seven months. But this time it seems more real. And days have been a blur lately. I make an effort to relish the routine, yes even the walk back to the office. 

I realize that in half a year, I'll be walking streets of foreign lands again, an ocean apart from here. It excites me, it scares me a lot, but I'm ready for it. This time I am. 

But I try to look at it from the perspective that this time I am okay. I am free from hangups, I am no longer longing for places, for someone (for him), for experiences that has already ended. 

The fact that in a few months I am leaving again has made me live more in the present.

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I once fell in love with a guy I met on the road. Looking back now that I'm okay, I think the reason why I fell for him was also because of his stories. Because I wanted them too. It's what has always drawn me to people. Their stories and experiences. The experiences they had pursuing something they were passionate about. People who at least once in ther lives tried to live a life outside of what is 'normal' and 'expected'. 

He told me about this place that I never really paid attention to. He showed me photos and told me exciting and amazing stories. Then I met people on the road who talked about how much they loved their time there. 

 I've been chasing the dream of going there myself since we broke up. It never worked out before, I always seem to be distracted. Because I was chasing it for the wrong reasons, I was holding on to him or the idea of him. And now that I'm finally okay (in all its sense and man was it hard work), I am finally on track. I am still pursuing it not because I am unhappy and I want to escape. I am actually generally happy these days. I am pursuing it because I want to. Because while I still can phsyically and while life will still allow me to (because shit will happen again eventually), I want to be able do the things that I love as often as I can. I am fucking scared but I am so excited. 

How liberating ❤️