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Wednesday, September 26, 2018

2018 so far

I feel like I’ve been tired this whole year. Work has been exhausting, stressful, overwhelming.

I’ve strained relationships too. They ended actually. Some changed.

Really, in just three words: I fucked up.

I feel like I made a lot of wrong moves. I shouldn’t have said that, should have said something, anything. I shouldn’t have let it get to that point. I should not have opened myself up that much.

Why do I feel too much?

I don’t seem to be handling things well. There have been a lot of really down moments this year, the intensity I blame on my PMS. But it’s been frequent, it’s been worrisome. And what do I do every single time this happens? I retreat from the world, from my friends.

Three months before I leave for a 6-month trip to South America. And now a crippling sense of doubt is slowly presenting itself again. What if this is another fucked up move. What if this or that happens?

Then I read this again from an Ask Polly column:

“I’m sad now, and that’s a moral failure on my part, but when I fix these things, I won’t be sad anymore,” then your lists won’t help. That’s like trying to train a fearful dog by hitting it more often. Your lists need to say, at the very top: IT’S OKAY THAT YOU ARE FUCKING UP. IT’S OKAY THAT YOU ARE EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE. STAY VULNERABLE.

Start by learning how to cry without apology and how to breathe in the good feelings that go along with the bad ones when you cry. Walk gracefully into the future, at a patient pace, with your eyes wide open. Welcome every chance to learn something new, even when it hurts, and welcome each new moment of being shattered into a million shards of light. Know that you are glittering with promise, pure potential, fully alive, and I love you, too, like crazy, like the world might end tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter. Can you feel that insane, glorious, random, outrageous feeling that we’re sharing, that springs straight out of your bravery in reaching out? Because I’m so glad I met you here. I’m so glad we had this fucked-up, melancholy time together. Please keep doing what you’re doing, but feel it, without worrying that how you stumble and fall today will define you forever.

And when you do fall, say to yourself, patiently, “Let’s try that one more time. With feeling.”

And it’s what I really needed to read right now. That it’s okay to fuck up. To make mistakes. To lose. To feel hurt. To feel guilt. Feel all of them. Love these moments. But to always remember that these are just moments, they will pass.

Learning is never easy especially of the lessons we are most resentful to and are scared to learn and accept.

If you happen to read this, given that this blog has been inactive for such a long time, I hope you find comfort in it. You are not alone. We’re all just constantly fucking things up.